(Posted by Kaleb Nation )

Reading Twilight: Chapter 9 (Theory)

May 20th, 2008 at 2:00 am by Kaleb Nation

The song for this chapter is Foolish Games by Jewel


I know, hang me — I am the only person who has read Twilight and who is actually within 200 miles of Forks and not going in that direction. So after discovering that I would be unable to dash across the gap between my airport and Forks, I decided to do the next best thing and explore the City of Forks website while browsing Youtube videos in lament of my predicament. I came to the conclusion: who needs Forks when you can have Spoons?

Anyhow, this chapter is very much a continuation of Chapter 8. Some of the writers out there, myself included, might have picked up on something that most non-writers wouldn’t– this chapter gave me the instant feeling that Stephenie had 8 and 9 together at one point, and then split them up. If so, it was a very clever decision, since in each one I discovered something new, and it was almost impossible to keep from sliding straight from 8 to 9 because it stopped right in the middle of everything.

Bella’s self-defense class is one I have yet to see. I was in martial arts for years when I was younger, up to black belt, and not once did our instructor teach us something useful like how to smash someone’s nose straight into their brain.

The Nose

It would have definitely been more useful than the utterly worthless ‘knife-hand’ which was basically a cheap sideways karate chop which rendered nothing upon an attacker except a blimpful of laughs and giggles. Also nearly as useless was the ‘butterfly kick’, which as you can imagine was a spinning, flailing spectacle no one could make look awesome. It was really more like an intoxicated monkey kick.

After reading this chapter, about three things I became absolutely positive. First, Edward is a vampire. Second, Bella is madly in love with him. And third, Bella better go back into those woods, because I’m dying to know what horrible creatures reside so close to home.

My post is shorter this week since I’m on the road (well, more of in the air…), but rest assured: chapter 10 is on the way!


– Despite rumor, there will be no thehostguy.com . Also, as I go to the next book in the series, it will all stay here, and it will become A Guy’s Attempt To Read The Twilight Saga.

– This has obviously gotten buried, as it is becoming a Very Frequently Asked Question, so I’ll repost the note: if you want to read part of my book The Farfield Curse, all you have to do is email me and I’ll send a few chapters as a preview. It is due out in late 2009.

– Again, I cannot friend people on Facebook I do not personally know, so I’m really sorry I keep deleting your requests. However, some great people have set up groups for me on there and you can join them. They are here and here. Friending me on Myspace is also a much better alternative.

Posted in Twilight, Videos

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67 Responses

  1. Patricia

    WHAT?!!?!? YOU DIDN’T GO TO FORKS?! For shame, dude. For shame.

    But your theory regarding Stephanie’s splitting up the chapters was pretty swell… that makes a lot of sense.

    Oh. And I’m using this site as proof of guys reading Twilight to try to convince a friend of mine that he should start. No luck so far… but one of these days….

  2. Grace

    Aw, it’s too bad that you didn’t get to go to Forks! Haha, well, some other time.

    Your observation about the 2 chapters in 1 was interesting. Very clever (;

    Happy reading! or.. Twilighting?

  3. Pam

    Don’t feel too bad about not making it to Forks. I still haven’t made it and I live less than 200 miles away. Perhaps that is a road trip I will take this summer.

    I did not pick up on the split. However, I tend to read through chapters and stop at all odd spots.

    Good luck on trying to get to Forks someday. Maybe I will too.

  4. Val

    Spoons and Forks, but where are the Knives? Oh wait, a knife hand.

    Your video made your post longer. And also even more enjoyable than it already was πŸ˜€

  5. Laura

    I like your video! And don’t worry about not going to Forks: I live thousands of miles away from here so I’ll probably never go there too! And as it seems that all the guy who read twilight enjoyed it, I’m going to trick my boyfriend so he’ll have no choice but to read it!
    Thanks for all you share with us!
    Have a good trip!

  6. Malomaniac

    Well, I was thinking exactly the same about 8 & 9, and I’m not a writer or so at all…
    More a very experienced reader xD
    Nice video again πŸ˜€

  7. M.A.Estman

    *sigh* I live in Texas too, so Ill probably never get to see Forks, about 8th & 9th Chapter, My sisters lent me the books to read them, but…as soon as I was done, they made the 45 min trip to my house just to retrieve thier books. So sadly, I dont remember what they were about..

  8. Rachel

    I only live two states away…Maybe I’ll convince my mom to take me there this summer…She HAS been wanting to go somewhere…
    *evil plan*
    Aaah gnomes! Run for the hills! (Or Forks, at least.)

    I just plow right through books and usually don’t notice and can’t stop…Just me…But it was interesting, what you said about the split.

  9. eponymous

    Would I be correct in assuming this might have been your first hotel stay? (The enthusiasm over the air conditioner was a slight giveaway ;-))

  10. Sariah

    lol… your posts always make me laugh! Have a safe trip home!

  11. Michelle

    As Rachel I can’t stop reading, so don’t notice stuff like that xD

    Gonna see the movie with my boyfriend, so told him that he HAD to read the book…

    …he is currently reading New Moon xD

  12. Veronica

    I only took karate for one year and I was taught how to smash somebody’s nose into their brain. My sensei was kind of a nutter though. So maybe he wasn’t supposed to teach us that, haha.

  13. Katie Beth

    That was one of my favorite chapters, and while I didn’t pick up on the fact that those two might have been split up (I’m more of an essay writer), I did feel like they went together and she only ended Chapter 8 where she did for length reasons.

    Also, I’m a black belt in Tae Kwon Do. We learned how to do the nose into brain thing (and nifty it is, too) as well as some other cool stuff.

  14. Emma

    We don’t have air con in England. I’ve never turned that contraption in your video up, let alone touched it.

    Are you going to read New Moon too?

  15. Danni

    Who needs Forks, and who needs spoons when you can have Sporks! Its the best of both worlds really!
    Anyhoo, another great post! Love the video!

  16. Caroline

    That vidoe was wicked awesome! I promise I’ll keep it on the DL that I know a wanted man….
    Anyways, you should have gone to Forks man!

  17. Rachel

    Kaleb, Kaleb (shakes head)
    Not going to Forks I can forgive, but you should have slept with your stuff and given Twilight it’s own bed.
    Come on, common sence here!

  18. Natali

    I just got my husband to start reading the books and he is liking them. We are about to the same chapter you are. That video was crazy. What was the point of going to Seattle?

  19. Jackie

    Your video was too funny! It made me post longer and quite enjoyable.

    Also, did you read Twilight on the plane? If so, did any girls stare openly at you? Hm, I bet I would if I saw a guy reading Twilight.

  20. Catherine

    The police are after you, Kaleb! RUN!!! πŸ˜‰

  21. Annie

    lol. Fabulous post! I think i noticed the thing about 9 being and extension of 8, but only after re-reading the book.

    and i have a sensei too, but she’s my japanese teacher, not karate. lol

  22. Anna

    Haha! I was playing this while writing my English term paper and all of a sudden Requiem for a Dream is coming full blast from my computer. I died laughing, then had to watch the vid again, rather than just listen.

    You crack me up! Lol, don’t worry the last time i visted Seattle i wanted to vist Forks so bad, but i live on a lowly college freshman’s budget. Alas, maybe in years to come :]

    Keep the twilight faith up!
    <3 Anna

  23. Vanessa

    Where did you get that gnome?

  24. Elspeth

    I swear i saw a crazy gnome… I keep looking over my sholder, the anticipation is killing me. Will those awesome defense moves save me from the gnomes?
    save me!
    Elspeth (aka helpless in gnomes)

    ps. I had to change my e-mail because my college disbands e-mail of its graduates… and i’m now a college graduate!… despite my BA in English, i have no defense against crazy gnomes…

  25. Rachel

    *something I forgot last comment
    Full nine years under my dad in karate. I’m almost a black belt–and who needs nose-to-brain when you have all the other options? *evil grin*

  26. Joanne Maria

    HAHAHA…some city 200 miles from FORKS..you are a funny guy… You should post that video on TWILIGTTUBE.COM!!!

  27. AussiePattinsonLove

    HAHAHA Your Video was great!! I love your page its awesome!

  28. Melonie

    I think you were locked up in that hotel room too long *snicker* Anyway, what’s up with the air conditioning? I thought you hated those things due to your crazy roommate who froze you out all the time!

  29. Jenna

    It isn’t like martial arts. It is like normal what-to-do-when-you-have-creepers-following-you self defense. They taught it at my old school, too.

  30. Tina

    Ahaha!! The spoons video you linked πŸ˜€ Kaleb, I think you might want to lay low for a little while, because I heard they’re now sentencing 20 years of jail for smuggling batteries on a plane πŸ˜‰

  31. Addicted

    Okay so that video in the hotel was too funny. And the A/C in a hotel room IS the best. Keeping reading!!!! I cant wait til your done so you(as in you I mean I) can talk about ALL of it;-)

  32. Kate


    I cannot believe you didn’t go to forks. seriously. what were you thinking? but I forgive you, because I enjoy reading your blogs way too much.

    I always read twilight in one sitting, so I have no idea how it feels to stop between chapters 8 & 9. excruciatingly painful?


  33. Corinne

    Hey there Kaleb! It’s Corinne, the girl that practically spams your inbox. but i just wanted to tell you that i still think you’re totally radtastic, and I cant send you emails for a while… i’m grounded. but i’ll spam it up when i get my computer back!

    love the chapter 9 stuff, by the way. awesome as usual!

  34. Audrey

    I live closer!

  35. elle

    OME that video was so flipping hilarious i do not even know where to start. i had no idea one sentence could be broken down in so many different ways HAHAHA. i always read your posts but now i have a face to put with the writing so that’s good i guess. the end was priceless: “SHOO!”

    oh wow, that truly made my day, man. thanks =]

  36. Callie

    Dude, you must have been REALLY bored at the hotel. Love the vid though πŸ˜€

  37. Sarah

    Eh, I just visit Sporks.

  38. margaret

    I realize I notice strange things. I’m observant to everything that isn’t right in front of my nose …

    SO I noticed that you use a Flip video. I’m debating buying one for my impending trip to Germany, and your videos are very high quality. So now I’m even more sure that I want one.

    That is all.

  39. Bdreamy

    No, you were not the only one to recently be near Forks, deciding not to go… I join you in your lament. *B

  40. Arockr

    Ha your video made me laugh. Trufax about the A/C -isn’t that always the best part of the room?

  41. Nikki

    You didn’t go to Forks? Sad. Neither have I, and I guess I’m approximately 400 miles away from there, depending on where I’m staying (college or home? The eternal battle). And no gnomes have come to attack me. However, I didn’t sneak batteries on a plane. They might be trying to get you for that. XD

  42. B Marie

    vote for the twilight cast here


    And how can you not go to FORKS I know I will someday.

    and also i know a guy who reads twilight
    he doesn’t want to admit he likes it though. Its so obvious he does considering the fact hes reading New Moon now

  43. Kd

    Wow…some people have way too much bad time on their hands. You have way too much good time!

    Beware the gnomes…Especially the ones that LOOK all innocent, pretending their Santa or something…

  44. Lauren

    lol you’re so funny! :)

  45. Cam

    For M.A. Estman, and anyone else who is having a hard time knowing what the chapters are about as Kaleb reviews them – read the chapter summaries on TwilightLexicon.com before reading Kaleb’s posts.

  46. heather.

    Ha. That video is hilarious. I made a Gnomes-are-taking-over-the-world movie with my friends last year and it was awsome!

  47. ashley

    Do we ever really find out what is in the woods? or maybe i am crazy or slightly retarded and didn’t pick up on it?!?!?!

  48. Cam

    It’s subtle, but Edward is worried about non-vegetarian vampires, and probably werewolves too.

  49. ashley

    yeah that makes alot of sense haha thanks!

  50. Ellen

    Very funny video :)

  51. Kimberleigh Ford

    I’ve read all three from cover to cover on many occasions, including those of flights back home. Imagine my horror when a friend borrows Twilight and returned with a wine stain marking “Confessions”, which is my favorite chapter! Anyways, I commend you on your endeavours, best of luck, bon voyage, et cetera. Oh, and Jewel is perfect for this chapter, nice pick.

    Much Love,
    Kimberleigh (Cullen?, PLEASE?)

  52. Cat

    I was in martial arts for years when I was younger, up to black belt, and not once did our instructor teach us something useful like how to smash someone’s nose straight into their brain.

    You shpuld have had my teacher. We had an exam about every 3 months and he’d spend the 6 weeke before it brushing us up on technique, and the 6 weeks afterwards teaching us useful stuff, like breaking noses, necks and using speed rather than brute force.

  53. Steph

    Well, what can I say? I had to comment after this.
    First, you are insane. Ahaha. In a good way. I went to that Spoons link and wow… I was speechless for minutes afterwards.
    Second, in what universe could a ‘butterfly kick’ ever be considered the least bit violent? It sounds really… sissy. Ahaha. Still, I have yet to see someone demonstrate it, so I’ll try and keep my judgments and assumptions (no matter how accurate they probably are) to myself.
    So glad you are (or rather, were) working your way through the book! I’m reading it for the third time right now. Only up to chapter 6 though…

  54. Miranda

    Ok, so I actualy live less then 200miles from Forks, and i’ve driven through it one time, way before i ever knew about the books… My sister and I are planing a little road trip… But it keeps getting postponed. I think were aiming for two weeks from this weekend… hmmm

  55. Dayna

    Yea well..i live about 2 hours away from forks..and still HAVENT BEEN…i think i might be worse than you :(

  56. ynna-black

    dude u wer staying at la quinta duh

  57. BrooklynBridges

    I can’t believe you were within 200 miles of Forks and didnt go there. And here i thought you were a true twilighter. SHAME.
    And i dont feel bad about the gnomes anymore. It serves you right.
    I would have WALKED the 200 miles.
    And dont think i didnt pick up on you mocking the back of the book. I did.

  58. Rebekah

    Yay! I want to go to Spoons!
    If Vampires and Werewolves live in Forks… What lives in KNifes!!! AAAHHHH!!!

  59. Rebekah

    Oh and I love, love, loved your “quote” from the back of the book! You are so funny, Kaleb!

  60. Mickey Not Mouse

    lol, you can read the entire series and never freaking find out what is in those woods! oh and also yeah you can use the bottom of your palm driven up against a nose and send the top of it into the brain. however they no longer teach this in self defense as it can obviously be lethal, instead they teach you to do the same only downward so you only break/disconnect the nose without killing the dude ^.^


  61. Twritebite

    What I found interesting in this chapter was all the “myths” about vampires. No sleeping in coffins (no sleeping at all), not getting burned in the sunlight.

  62. Lisa

    I would LOVE to go to Forks. I can only imagine it would feel like walking straight into Bella's world and I would expect to see Cheif Swan or a red Chevy truck around the corner at any secont. It would be totally sereal!

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